Survivor
by Babylon By Candlelight
Summary: He really does hate her, you know. [OneShot]


**_Disclaimer:_** All right, I'll admit it – I don't own Degrassi. I just take sick pleasure in messing with its characters.

**_Author's Note:_** Well… it should be an interesting read, right? An old skool fic, set _way_ back in the day. At least they don't hike 15 miles uphill to school, both ways, barefoot, in the snow.

I really do hate her, you know. It's not just something I tell the public to make them think that I'm something other than what I am. And what I am is a pervert. I must be, to feel this way – to feel this way about _her,_ I mean. It just isn't natural for someone like me to be so completely smitten with someone like her. But damned if I can help it. From the first time we ever really talked, I knew that I had fallen hard. Any excuse to be around her was enough. When she got a boyfriend, I made sure to become close to him so that I would not be excluded from any gathering that he came to, thus assuring that I would be near her.

I didn't stalk her, per se. I just made sure that I would be in places she would show up. The Dot, certain hall ways at school, I even sat at a table near hers at lunch. And there was always after school, where sooner or later, she couldn't avoid me. She had to come home sometime, and even though Jimmy was with her more often or not, he had to go back to his house sometime. And then I could watch her, be near her, just exist next to her for a good hour or two. And it was those hours that made everything worth it.

I know that we're not blood related. We're only related at all because her mother married my father. Still, it was a form of incest, if only legally, and Ashley Kerwin would never be interested in a geek like Toby Isaacs anyway. Toby Isaacs - that's me. Geek extraordinaire and better known as the best friend of JT Yorke. JT, who had a crush on Degrassi's Queen Bee, Paige Michalchuk. Why couldn't I like someone like her? Hazel's pretty cute, after all. Or hell, there was always Kendra, though Spinner is scarier than anything else I've seen on this earth, and there's no way I'd be willing to fight that for a girl I don't even want.

Still, Kendra and I played at dating. It was easier than sitting home alone, staring at Ashley, wondering what she was thinking. I never for a moment thought that she would return my feelings; not only was she my step-sister, but she was completely out of my league. She needed a guy like Jimmy, who could cater to her attention needs yet remain distant enough that she didn't get tired of him.

But one day, she did. For all I liked him, I smirked a little as she walked away from him. _Goodbye, Jimmy,_ I thought a bit meanly, _it certainly has been fun_. Still, I knew that a girl like Ashley needed someone to worship her. Her style changed, became less frightening (not that the Goth look had put me off, but my dreams changed from School-Girl Ashley to Vampire Ashley, which was actually a bit weird) and suddenly, there was Craig.

How to describe Craig without sounding bitter? Well, for one thing, I hated him more than I hated Ashley. Remember? I do hate her. I hate her so very much, but let's not get off subject. Craig had the soulful look going for him – the puppy eyes, the messy hair, the voice that made girls melt. My Ashley was no exception. Soon, the word "love" spilled from her lips, and unlike with Jimmy, I knew she meant it.

I had never thought about love before. Did I love Ashley? I didn't think so. She was an obsession, an idea for me to cling to, to strive towards, to remind me what was and wasn't attainable in this life. But love? No. I don't think I'll ever be in love with someone like her. Or, maybe I just know she'd never be in love with me, and I couldn't deal with truly facing it, so I just watched her instead. I watched her kiss Craig, laugh with Craig, touch Craig, just be with Craig. And I watched Craig watch Manny.

I couldn't tell her. I knew I should, but I was just her dorky little brother. She never would have believed me, and the angry words that would have flown my way weren't worth her disbelief. She found out soon enough, because Manny never was good at keeping secrets, or not trusting people she shouldn't. She believed Craig loved her, just like Ashley believed Craig loved her. Hell, if Craig wanted to be with the one he loved, all he had to do was find a pile of dirty magazines, and a room with a door that locked.

Needless to say, Craig went bye-bye as well. I secretly gloated. I never liked him, the way I did Jimmy. Ashley was depressed for months, and I couldn't go to her, because by that time we had fallen into the type of relationship where she'd automatically be suspicious if I was concerned for her. God, all I wanted to do was take her in my arms; let her know that there was someone out there who still cared, even if it was just small, unimportant Toby.

One night when she was asleep, I crept into her room and just watched her as she breathed in and out. I knew it was borderline creepy, but I couldn't help it. When she was asleep, she didn't look unhappy, or angry, or fake. She looked like my beautiful Ashley, the one I knew back when I was but a lowly grade nine, and I thought she was perfect. So much had changed through the years, but I couldn't help but still feel as strongly for her as I did.

I would now admit I was in love. I loved my sister, and it was killing me. It wasn't the fact that she would never love me back, because I already knew that her feeling any sort of way for me besides sisterly affection was impossible. What hurt was that I could never tell her, because she'd run straight to Kate, and I'd be shipped off somewhere where I couldn't be disgusting, or a freak, or feel things I shouldn't for people I shouldn't. And I didn't want to leave her, even if I couldn't touch her, look at her too long, or say what I wanted to her. It was enough just to bask in her glow. What I didn't know was that my time with her was limited.

After she and Craig got back together, I knew something was off. My Ashley just wasn't happy, and it was Craig who was making her so upset. She worried constantly – was he taking his medication, was he going to go off again, and most importantly, how she could tell him that she was going to England for the summer. She never once worried about how she would tell me. I was heartbroken, but I hid it well, because I saw how she smiled at the thought of going to London. I had missed that smile, and the impending separation was almost worth seeing it for those few weeks before she walked out of my life.

The night she left was the first night I cried since grade ten.

The e-mails came occasionally, and one brought with it the news that she had found a boyfriend. Leave it to Ashley to leave for London, and find a guy to kiss only weeks after arriving. I didn't know how to handle it. It had been one thing to know that she was coming back single, for me to watch at my leisure again, and to love from afar. But now she had someone, someone I couldn't watch as well, or judge, or torture in my mind. Someone I couldn't say goodbye to when she left him.

Ashley came back briefly, to spend a precious month with the Kerwin-Isaacs household before she went back to England, this time for good. I thought my heart couldn't bleed for her anymore than it had the first time she walked out, but I found she could still squeeze a few drops out of it, just by speaking to me in her soft, melodious voice.

"I'll miss you, Tobes," she said, ruffling my hair affectionately. "You've really grown up since we first met, and I'll miss seeing who you're going to become."

"I love you, Ashley," was my reply, even though I kept it toned down to a level that was appropriate for the situation.

"I love you too, Toby. I'll write."

And then, I did something I never expected I would do. I leaned forward (for I had grown, and was not only as tall as she was, but even a few centimeters taller) and kissed her on the lips. It was a short peck, with no passion, and certainly nothing she would later marvel at, but it was a kiss nonetheless. I quickly pulled back, so that the chastity and simplicity of it would remain untarnished. So that it would stay a pure kiss of farewell, from a brother to his sister. And as she climbed into the car and waved from the window, I found myself smiling. Because I do hate Ashley Kerwin, and I always have. It's how I survive loving her so damn much.

She'll never know how much I put into that kiss. And how much I lost.


End file.
